Newlec Electrical: Clash of Titans

It's Sunday afternoon, I'm about to play badminton. I'm pumped, stretched, psyched and I'm listening to the training montage from Rocky IV.



I feel invincible. But I have a weakness, an Achilles heel. I cannot play badminton with damp hands. And that's why before the big game there's another match - in the sports hall ghetto where the real men fight - the bogs.

I square up to my opponent. It doesn't look impressive. I size it up. No button, that gives it a point straight away. I serve with a taunt about Dyson airblades that the Newlec can't possibly hit back. 1 all. "Newlec Electrical." I think that's probably a tautology, unless the "lec" is short for election. I doubt that. This is about heat. This is about pressure. Votes don't count here. No democracy. 2-1 to me.

Next serve goes to the Newlec and I'm immediately floored by the roar it makes as it fires up. I know it's to intimidate me but by god it works. What a sound. An easy point for the Newlec. 2 all.




The next point goes to me as the Newlec fails to reach a decent temperature. Lukewarm might beat a newbie to the hand dryer review game but not an old pro like me. It's 3-2 to me and I'm starting to smell victory.

As the drying time drags on I know I've secured my lead with another point. Newlec keeps roaring but now it's not working - I know its game and I know that this dryer is all mouth and no trousers. I'm taunting it now, "Go on impress me!" but it's all over. The Newlec has stopped roaring and gone silent. I know its guilty secret. It stands there looking embarrassed as I show it my hands. It can see the droplets on there. Water it should have seen off. Bad luck kid.

As a final insult I slowly and deliberately wipe my hands on my trousers in front of it. If the Newlec can't finish the job I sure as hell can.

Nice try kid. But you're gonna have to try a bit harder to best this old man. See you next season. If you dare.


Incidentally I lost at badminton.

Eterna, the Ten Bells

What's in a name?

In this case when I saw that I was about to use an Eterna my mind filled with delightful thoughts of eternal heat, air pressure & crisply dried hands in perpetuity.

Imagine my disgust when I found this piece of rubbish wouldn't even turn on.

I tried the switch, I waved my hands in the vicinity of anything that could conceivably have been a sensor. And then I wiped my hands on the back of my jeans and a little piece of me died.

Manrose, Jurnets Bar

Another interesting name here, seemingly trying to bridge the masculine/feminine dichotomy.

This led me to expect a combination of brute strength air pressure followed by a gentle massaging of my hands to finish it off.

Unfortunately the Manrose was about as good as my terrible stereotyping of what masculine/feminine means. I think the company knew this, knew that women can be strong just as men can be weak & dichotomies are ridiculous since all humans exist on a spectrum really and it is these binaries that cause so much grief for people. It's a shame that having that knowledge didn't make the designer better at making hand dryers. Because yes folks you guessed it. ANOTHER BUTTON.

It's almost not worth going on, air pressure's OK, drying time & heat average. This puts our dear Boylily, our cocktulip firmly in the realm of middle management. A shame since Jurnets is such a fine establishment. Usually a poor hand drying experience would lead me to recommend an immediate and lasting boycott of the place that saw fit to install anything less than an xcelerator or Airfury. In this case I urge you to keep going there, buying drinks, soaking up the medieval crypt atmosphere, watching the lovely bands & then maybe your cash can go towards ridding Jurnets of the Malepansy forever.

World Dryer - Cinema Middle Management

World Dryer - Odeon Cinema

The World Dryer claims a great many things and unfortunately fails to deliver satisfactorily on any of them. First of all, and we've been here before, activating it involves pressing a big button. Now men know this, female readers might not, but to a lot of men "washing your hands" means "holding your hands under the tap for as little time as possible in case they melt."

And as for soap? Many people seem to be afraid of it, as though soap is some kind of abrasive chemical that upon contact disintegrates flesh & leaves two gently steaming skeletal hands clacking against the porcelain of the sink.

How people come up with ideas like this I don't know.

The outcome of this is that people touch that big button with their hands riddled with e-coli, AIDS & god knows what other diseases. Kwashiorkor probably. 
Have I made this clear? I don't want to press this satanic plague knob

of death! And yet the World Dryer claims in actual text written on the actual machine that you can actually read that using it is more hygienic than paper towels. Who wrote this nonsense?! Never have I heard such obvious balderdash & pifflesquit.

As if this wasn't enough, drying time is weak & at its hottest it's barely lukewarm. I had such high hopes, especially as last time I visited the cinema they had Xcelerators in.

Unfortunately the world is clogged up with these average dryers which I shall henceforth refer to as Middle Management.

Next time I go to the cinema I'm taking a towel.

TRIANGULUS

Leaving aside any analysis of the capitalist horrors of McDonalds as an organisation, and of the nutritional value of its food, it does know a good hand dryer when it sees one. And given that one McDonalds is exactly like another that means a good hand-dryer in every city across the world. I don't know about you but I for one find that reassuring. And for a company with a mascot that could give Chuck Norris coulrophobia to be reassuring is no easy task. 

Now this dryer isn't the best for drying time. Nor is it the best for heat or air pressure.

Don't get me wrong, it's certainly well above average. But what really excited me about this unit was its aesthetics. A sleek, shiny, compact black unit that looks like it comes straight out of Blade Runner or Minority Report. I wouldn't be surprised if it was stealing my biodata as I used it. And I'd let it.

Knowing that text would spoil its slinky beauty the makers have opted not to include any. All that breaks the ebony expanse of its sexy contours is a single triangular light which is red at resting and a neon green when in use. Based on this I have opted to name it the Triangulus. Ah, sweet sweet Triangulus. J'adore.

In case you didn't guess, I love the Triangulus. Most times I come out of a toilet I feel underwhelmed. In all too rare occasions I come out with properly dried hands. But it is only after using the Triangulus that, just for a few glorious moments, I feel I have entered the future.

Tornado Lite Heatstore

I ran into this "curate's egg" in a Starbucks somewhere down the A14 on a drive down to Cambridge to visit my sister. I may not ever have encountered it if not for my father's weak bladder who was driving (my father, not his bladder).

The first thing that struck me was the name tornado lite. This seems a contradiction in terms a tornado by nature being very powerful. "Whatever next, " I thought, "Low fat hurricane? Tsunami dry?" But as I came to use it I came to understand why they came to name it as they did and why it was apt.

As it switches on the tornado quickly revs up to a terrific roar that appeals to all the manliest parts of a man, the same way a jet engine or a powerful car acclerating gives you a sound boner. I am man. I am mighty. I have dominance over nature. Give me tits. Give me curry. Put the footie on and pour me a stella. Today I shall be a king.

Except the roar dies down. And then starts up again. And then dies. Yes this is one of those irritating handdryers that will only work if your hands are in a ludicrously precise spot. What a waste! The tornado has power (so much so that it was moving the veins in my fathers hands), it has that lovely sound, it has heat and it would definitely dry my hands in seconds if it didn't keep switching off. It's a perfect example of how one design flaw can let down an otherwise great dryer. Sadly in the tornado lite's case the jet is also very narrow meaning a lot of needless hand jiggling to get full coverage.

Sorry tornado. It's back to the drawing board. Next time drop the lite part and maybe make a tornado XTreem. Something that will tear my hands off. As long as they're dry it will be my pleasure.

Finally, check out the sound recording below to hear both the way the Tornado Lie roars and the frequency with which it turns on and off due to its overly sensitive sensor.

https://soundcloud.com/myhanddryerreviews/tornado-lite-heatstore

Triptych: anonymous; Xcelerator Eco-Excel; Pro-Elec

It's been a busy week for me and hand dryers.

First off on New Year's Eve I played with 2 different bands at the King Edward VII pub. Now because I'm fond of the place I need to point out to any simpletons that a poor hand dryer isn't always an indication of a poor establishment. Often these things are installed long ago and the idiots who condoned them have long gone to make way for better staff.But they could replace them you say. Well I'm sure they could if you selfish folk weren't saying that over a 2-for-1 Tesco offer on frosty reception cider at home instead of supporting your local pub. Here's my point in the form of maths:

Drink at home = less money for pub = less money for quality hand dryers
But
Drink at pub = more money for pub = more money for quality hand dryers


Or to put it simply:


DAH = LMFP = LMFQHD
B
DAP = MMFP = MMFQHD


I might start a maths blog.



Anyway, as I said I was playing with 2 bands so toilet stops had to be efficient. I can already vouch for the efficiency of my penis so what about the hand dryer?

Well, this one didn't have a name or if it did it had been covered by a band sticker. You might therefore expect another watkins. Well this wasn't as bad as that but It did leave much to be desired. The power was reasonable but temperature reached lukewarm and no more, ensuring overall drying time was poor enough that I had a queue behind me. OK it was a queue of one but no man should be left behind. In the end I felt sorry for him and resorted to finishing off the job on the back of my jeans which always means marks off.

One more point, to activate this dryer I had to press a button. This takes us into a previously unmentioned area: hygiene. Now I used soap but I bet some didn't and hygiene is an important part of using a hand dryer - it's a big part of their superiority over towels after all. In this day and age is a sensor too much to ask for?

Temperature: 2
Drying time: 1
Power: 2
Hygiene: 0
Overall: Slightly below average

Luckily the next hand dryer is one that was comparatively a joy to use. I regularly discuss hand dryers with friends (what, don't you?) And a name that often comes up for those who have done their time at Odeon is the xcelerator. I'm not often at the cinema but I am a frequent library go-er and the Forum in Norwich has a lovely pair of xcelerator eco-excels.
The power and heat are most satisfactory and although drying time is not as fast as a Dyson Airblade that is to be expected. Taking the Airblade out of the equation this may well be the best of the rest.

Temperature: 3
Drying Time: 2.5
Power: 3
Sexiness: 2.5

Coming just below this the Pro-Elec.in Frank's Bar. Not a bad little number, quick drying time and sufficient heat but not as much power as the xcelerator. It's perhaps not one to go out of your way for but if you happen to use one I'm certain you will enjoy it.

Temperature: 3
Drying Time: 2
Power: 2.5