Professional Hand Dryer Reviewers Don't Want You to Know This Amazing Trick

As a child I was puzzled by the Little Chef adverts. “Little Chef. Just turn left.” How? How were they always on the left? What witchcraft or strange magick allowed this mystical feat? Did they sacrifice kitchen staff to an evil spoon god? Were they in league with Satan himself? (As an adult I now know this is absurd. Satan works for McDonalds, obviously).

Of course as a young boy I was myself developing extraordinary powers. I watched two groups of children in the playground throwing a ball to each other. As it was in the air I would call either “catch,” or “drop” and for a whole break time I never got a call wrong. Also every time I put my hand in my pocket I would get lint stuck to my fingers – yes, it’s true. I had that most amazing of superpowers - fluff magnetism*. I excitedly related this to my father who was kind enough to indulge me instead of explaining about 50/50 odds & half broken fingernails. I went to school the next day standing tall. Today I would finally learn to fly.

I smile now, reflecting on this sense of childhood wonder. It seems inbuilt with youth -just like making “magic potions” from mud, rainwater & flowers or losing your teeth and not freaking out because a fairy puts money under your pillow.

9 years pass. I finally see the inside of a little chef. 20 years pass. I'm in a Little Chef again except this time I understand how important capital letters are and I don't get thrown out for sexual assault. Did I feel a sense of childish wonder? Nope. All they had to offer was greasy eggs, greasy walls and the smell of bacon & fatigue.

Is there anything sadder than innocence lost?

How about a brand new hand dryer that doesn’t work? 

It was a world dryer – not usually a decent brand but this one was a cool black which always stands out from the usual bland white of other dryers. It also had on it my favourite dryer aphorism “no touch” - although in this case “no work” would have been more appropriate. Most people would shrug & use the dryer next to it without a second thought. I  had a second thought - about the sadness of obsolescence.

I recently saw a wonderful art exhibition including a piece called “tech junk” which was built from obsolete phones & TVs. It was a comment on disposable culture. If you know about planned & perceived obsolescence I'm sure this would have chimed with you. The broken dryer was a perfect metaphor for the same concepts. The words “not built to last” got stuck in my head like an earworm (and here I pay off the Facebook mystery - the song so annoying it could conceivably be weaponised is this... apparently it’s been a viral video with hamsters so you probably know it already. I managed to miss this meme entirely. I’ve also never seen Gangnam style).

We often lament our disposable culture but is it such a bad thing? Maybe we cannot have progress without decay. In a spiritual sense death is more about transformation & change than about endings.  If nothing changed nothing would improve. I suppose what bothers me is the cynicism behind deliberately building something to last 3 years and then go kaput so they can sell you a new model.

I believe when people die they leave a spark. Perhaps not the Gnostic spark of divinity but a small grain of their essence which we carry with us. And that spark helps us to carry on their legacy through our deeds & words. Most people wouldn’t think of doing this for a dead hand dryer – but then I've always tended to anthropomorphize objects.

Returning again to my childhood I used to have conversations with my socks. If I put the left sock on first the right sock would get upset at being second best so I would have to reassure it. I did the same with sandwiches - the half I ate second would complain about favouritism. I usually resolved this by saying something like "right sock I'm putting you on first because I just can't wait to wear you and left sock I'm putting you on second because I'm saving the best till last." With that sort of childhood it isn't surprising that I can grieve for an object. Or that I review hand dryers.  

I don't know if it’s my history of depression but I find myself feeling melancholy far more frequently than feeling joy or happiness (yeah I'm emo so what). It's not just when I’m drying my hands - I feel this everywhere. And anywhere things live I feel them bleeding life. I was going to finish with a point but this maudlin self-analyzing leads me back down rabbit holes labyrinthine, to childhood, to death and the pain & loss in between.

All things must end. Life. Love. UK garage.

Even this review.

How to end but with the truth? I lament you dryer. Thank you for provoking these existential thoughts. I will remember you the best way I know how - with a stupid, self-indulgent blog post.

*fluff magnetism is a legit superpower. It's why Magneto works in a launderette when he's not battling the X-Men. I was going to make a joke about him working in porn but I'm better than that. You’re probably not.