Postscript:
After reviewing this terrible hand dryer I waited several days to post the review because I had to go back to the Playhouse to get the company and model name. For the purposes of accuracy but also because just as a great hand dryer deserves a bit more acclaim to their name, a substandard unit should be named and shamed to the 3 people who read this blog.
So it was that I returned to the Playhouse yesterday only to find NO company name, NO brand or model name, just perfectly blank, white hand dryers with no way of proportioning the blame to anyone. If you don't think this is intentional you haven't used this hand dryer - if you had you would understand why the company would not want to accept a single bit of responsibility - like when a director has their name removed from the credits of a film they do not want to be associated with.
I stand by every word of my review and I think the lack of name just hammers home how right I was.
Postpostscript: Due to the lack of name I shall hereafter be referring to this hand dryer as the Watkins.
27th December 2013:
Hand Dryer/Model name: THE COMPANY HAS CHOSEN TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS. But know this, one day I will find you and I will throw you into a bucket of freezing water and give to you as your only means of drying one of your own shitty hand dryers. You deserve nothing less.
Location: The Playhouse Bar, Norwich
Doing any kind of review inevitably means covering both the good (the Air Fury, Dyson Airblade V) and the bad. Well my friends in the last post I told you about the best of the best and now I am going to have to be mean. Rest assured though in this case it is fully deserved.
The Watkins offers a hand drying experience so poor that a good friend of mine and fellow hand dryer critic did not even bother to use it. Not only was the air cold it had such poor pressure that I wondered whether it was even turned on. After 30 seconds of rubbing my dripping hands together in desperation waiting for the Watkins to up its game I eventually gave up and had to resort to finishing the drying process by rubbing my hands on my coat - the clear, unambiguous sign that a hand dryer has failed.
And some of you may be thinking, "well, so what." And to you I say - this is a hand dryer. It is its only function. If you have a Swiss army knife and the scissors don't function too well then that's OK, you have many other tools included. When Clarkson reviews a car he might hate the clutch action but he still may love the car if it is comfortable, accelerates well and isn't built by foreigners. But to fail in your sole purpose - can there be a greater tragedy? You still think it's not a big deal - well read on.
Unemployment is currently sweeping this country like a plague. Skilled workers, graduates, people who want to work but can't all face sanctions and prejudice and long unemployed hopeless lives in front of them. So surely the people who do have jobs should take pride and value what they do. Well in that case what about the employees of a hand dryer company who design a hand dryer so spectacularly bad I wondered if it was a practical joke. YES PEOPLE WERE PAID to design something with one job and didn't even design it to be capable of doing that job. These jokers were paid - and their bosses, and the marketing companies the factories and factory workers who put the devices together, the drivers who drove them to pubs across the UK and beyond, the engineers who installed them - all paid, all in jobs, all FAILING and yet we have so many contemplating suicide because lack of employment is so depressing when they know they have skills and are claiming benefits whilst so many are designing and delivering terrible products that don't even fulfil their agreed purpose on this planet and are benefiting financially from this. Hello capitalism.
I did wonder for a time if I had misunderstood the Watkins. The Playhouse is a small theatre that shows arty plays, and its bar is the Norwich hub for artwankers, just edging out the art school because that's mainly for art students whereas the Playhouse bar also has former students who haven't grown out of being pretentious and cliquey yet and positively egg each other on to maintain these character flaws.
So could the Watkins have been an art project? An installation about capitalism and the suppression of postmodern situationist values in a deluded world rotted by the media?
No.
It's just a shit hand dryer.
Power 0
Unemployment is currently sweeping this country like a plague. Skilled workers, graduates, people who want to work but can't all face sanctions and prejudice and long unemployed hopeless lives in front of them. So surely the people who do have jobs should take pride and value what they do. Well in that case what about the employees of a hand dryer company who design a hand dryer so spectacularly bad I wondered if it was a practical joke. YES PEOPLE WERE PAID to design something with one job and didn't even design it to be capable of doing that job. These jokers were paid - and their bosses, and the marketing companies the factories and factory workers who put the devices together, the drivers who drove them to pubs across the UK and beyond, the engineers who installed them - all paid, all in jobs, all FAILING and yet we have so many contemplating suicide because lack of employment is so depressing when they know they have skills and are claiming benefits whilst so many are designing and delivering terrible products that don't even fulfil their agreed purpose on this planet and are benefiting financially from this. Hello capitalism.
I did wonder for a time if I had misunderstood the Watkins. The Playhouse is a small theatre that shows arty plays, and its bar is the Norwich hub for artwankers, just edging out the art school because that's mainly for art students whereas the Playhouse bar also has former students who haven't grown out of being pretentious and cliquey yet and positively egg each other on to maintain these character flaws.
So could the Watkins have been an art project? An installation about capitalism and the suppression of postmodern situationist values in a deluded world rotted by the media?
No.
It's just a shit hand dryer.
Power 0
Heat 0
Speed 0
Overall score: -1000.
Overall score: -1000.
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