The Blank, Cold Face of Capitalism

31st December 2013:

Postscript:

After reviewing this terrible hand dryer I waited several days to post the review because I had to go back to the Playhouse to get the company and model name. For the purposes of accuracy but also because just as a great hand dryer deserves a bit more acclaim to their name, a substandard unit should be named and shamed to the 3 people who read this blog.

So it was that I returned to the Playhouse yesterday only to find NO company name, NO brand or model name, just perfectly blank, white hand dryers with no way of proportioning the blame to anyone. If you don't think this is intentional you haven't used this hand dryer - if you had you would understand why the company would not want to accept a single bit of responsibility - like when a director has their name removed from the credits of a film they do not want to be associated with. 

I stand by every word of my review and I think the lack of name just hammers home how right I was.

Postpostscript: Due to the lack of name I shall hereafter be referring to this hand dryer as the Watkins.

27th December 2013:

Hand Dryer/Model name: THE COMPANY HAS CHOSEN TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS. But know this, one day I will find you and I will throw you into a bucket of freezing water and give to you as your only means of drying one of your own shitty hand dryers. You deserve nothing less.

Location: The Playhouse Bar, Norwich

Doing any kind of review inevitably means covering both the good (the Air Fury, Dyson Airblade V) and the bad. Well my friends in the last post I told you about the best of the best and now I am going to have to be mean. Rest assured though in this case it is fully deserved.

The Watkins offers a hand drying experience so poor that a good friend of mine and fellow hand dryer critic did not even bother to use it. Not only was the air cold it had such poor pressure that I wondered whether it was even turned on. After 30 seconds of rubbing my dripping hands together in desperation waiting for the Watkins to up its game I eventually gave up and had to resort to finishing the drying process by rubbing my hands on my coat - the clear, unambiguous sign that a hand dryer has failed.

And some of you may be thinking, "well, so what." And to you I say - this is a hand dryer. It is its only function. If you have a Swiss army knife and the scissors don't function too well then that's OK, you have many other tools included. When Clarkson reviews a car he might hate the clutch action but he still may love the car if it is comfortable, accelerates well and isn't built by foreigners. But to fail in your sole purpose - can there be a greater tragedy? You still think it's not a big deal - well read on.

Unemployment is currently sweeping this country like a plague. Skilled workers, graduates, people who want to work but can't all face sanctions and prejudice and long unemployed hopeless lives in front of them. So surely the people who do have jobs should take pride and value what they do. Well in that case what about the employees of a hand dryer company who design a hand dryer so spectacularly bad I wondered if it was a practical joke. YES PEOPLE WERE PAID to design something with one job and didn't even design it to be capable of doing that job. These jokers were paid - and their bosses, and the marketing companies the factories and factory workers who put the devices together, the drivers who drove them to pubs across the UK and beyond, the engineers who installed them - all paid, all in jobs, all FAILING and yet we have so many contemplating suicide because lack of employment is so depressing when they know they have skills and are claiming benefits whilst so many are designing and delivering terrible products that don't even fulfil their agreed purpose on this planet and are benefiting financially from this. Hello capitalism.

I did wonder for a time if I had misunderstood the Watkins. The Playhouse is a small theatre that shows arty plays, and its bar is the Norwich hub for artwankers, just edging out the art school because that's mainly for art students whereas the Playhouse bar also has former students who haven't grown out of being pretentious and cliquey yet and positively egg each other on to maintain these character flaws.
So could the Watkins have been an art project? An installation about capitalism and the suppression of postmodern situationist values in a deluded world rotted by the media?

No.

It's just a shit hand dryer.

Power 0

Heat 0

Speed 0

Overall score: -1000.

Dyson Airblade V

DYSON AIRBLADE V by Dyson

Location: Birchanger Green Services, Bishop Stortford
 
Stopping at services is never all that pleasant. You're tired from driving, the food is expensive and the scenery is dull. But strangely I was looking forward to stopping at Birchanger Green on my way back from visiting family for Christmas. Why? Because I knew that I would get to use a Dyson Airblade V. 

For those of you not familiar with the Dyson Airblade, let me assure you it is the creme de la creme of hand dryers. The Rolls Royce if you will. Words alone can not describe the experience so I when you see one in a public toilet make a beeline for it and treat yourself to a luxury experience. You'll feel like royalty.

But why is it so good? Let's start with the power - there is no doubt this is the most powerful hand dryer on the market. It claims to dry your hands within 10 seconds but usually even half that time is more than adequate (although I must admit I often give myself a good 30 seconds just so I can prolong the joy). 

Like the earlier Dyson Airblades the V enables a quality drying experience without the need to rub one's hands together. I have always felt that having to do this is indicative of a poor quality hand dryer - why should I have to the work that the dryer should be doing? When I dry my hands I expect not to have to use any of my body's own energy otherwise I would use a towel. Now, not only does the Airblade V mean I can relax and let it do all the work, I prefer to its predecessors. Although I loved earlier Dyson Airblades for their power and speed I didn't always enjoy the way I had to lower my hands in. It felt strangely alien and was maybe a bit too ahead of its time, even for a connoisseur like me. The new Airblade is more reassuring - twin jets of filtered air roar out of the bottom in a V shape and feels more familiar. No doubt in the future hand dryers will have all sorts of exciting and experimental interfaces but I just don't feel the world is ready yet - the Airblade V is a fine compromise though being both futuristic and modest at the same time.

Before I give my rating I feel I must reiterate again - as we head into 2014 this as good as hand dryers get and I don't expect any other dryer introduced in this coming year to change that. In fact we may be looking at the emperor of hand dryers for at least a few years. Yes my friends, the Dyson Airblade V is that good.

POWER 3
TEMPERATURE 3
SPEED 3
BONUS FOR BEING THE BEST: 3

OVERALL RATING: 106

*scores are out of 3

Air Fury

AIR FURY by Lovair

Location: The Exchequer, Church Crookham
 
I chanced upon this gem on boxing day. By then Christmas fatigue having set in the last thing I needed was a poor hand drying experience. Fortunately the Air Fury is most satisfactory. It has a sleek compact design that is both aesthetically pleasing and means plenty of units can be placed in the facilities - nothing worse than queuing in a busy pub for a solitary dryer!
 
The air jets strongly from a single vent underneath and dries hands in seconds - in power it hold its own with the big players like the Dyson Airblade. The air is not particularly hot but with such rapid results it doesn't need to be. 

After drying my hands my only disappointment was that I have yet to see an Air Fury in Norfolk where I usually reside. With a quality machine like this though, surely it is only a matter of time.

POWER 3*
TEMPERATURE 2
SPEED 3

OVERALL RATING:  2.6

*scores are out of 3